
It's a mighty big picture isn't it? Considering that there were around 663 kids who graduated in my class in 1987, this actually is a small representation of the amount of people we had at Stillwater High School in Minnesota. If you have trouble locating me, look for the girl with the big hair. Never mind. We all have big hair!
A lot happened this weekend. A lot of really good things in the midst of so much going on right now. Without going into detail, it has really piled on. I've had some moments of extreme anxiety and reality that have hit me. I could make the choice to curl up in a ball and just cry. But, I've got some extraordinary people around me who just won't let that happen.
I was the only black person in my class and race was an issue. It wasn't as large of an issue as I thought it would be, but it was an issue. Recently, my husband and I experienced a racist neighbor who drove through our fence and crashed into our home. For over an hour, I had to hear this man call me the "n" word over and over and over again, until finally he was arrested. I videotaped the incident and at the end of one of the videos when he called me that name, I just sobbed. It wasn't because of him calling me that, It was due to the many times throughout my life that it's happened, usually from people who I thought didn't say those kinds of things, and usually because I speak up about something that is the truth that others feel I should have kept my mouth shut.
Going to my reunion felt like old wounds may open, and I thought I'd be really uncomfortable.
Friday, I drove to St. Paul, MN to visit my sister. It was a hefty 4 and a half hour ride where my thoughts just took off to so many places, until I crossed that beautiful bridge over the St. Croix river passed Hudson, WI into Minnesota. It didn't feel foreign to me as it felt in the past. I felt like this time, I had intentions and like something in me had changed.
Saturday afternoon, I decided to drive to Stillwater, MN, not to reminisce about high school...but to visit some painful places that I hadn't seen in a long time. It truly felt like a movie. I drove to downtown Stillwater and saw the shelter where my sister and I lived for a period of time when we were homeless. I empathized with the pain my mom felt every time she came to visit. As a parent now, I can't imagine what that must have felt like for her. It was really, really hard to see that place again. What was strange was I never had a car when I was in Stillwater and I hadn't been there in years, but I knew where these places were. I just knew.
I then drove to the first townhouse where we lived across the street from what was once Stillwater High School, but is now the middle school. That was cool actually. That was the house where my mom came home from work and told me and and my sister that she was done drinking and smoking. She never went back. That was 1984. I remembered the time that we had a devastating blizzard with below 70 degree wind chills. This IS Minnesota! We had very little food in the house, and we had no car. No cabs were coming. They couldn't drive through the mess. I loaded up my body with so many coats and hats and gloves and I walked more than a mile to the gas station down the street and I bought some food. A guy on a snowmobile offered me a ride back to the house - of course, looking back, I'd NEVER do that now. But this time, I did and by the grace of God, I made it home and we ate and watched the snow fall. I remembered shopping at a second hand store for clothes downtown. I’ll never forget the time I went in and Tami Junker helped me pick our clothes. Truth be told, I still shop at second hand stores. I love it!
From there, I drove to the other townhouse where we lived. I remembered walking up that winding road and meeting Kim Knox before school. She'd drive us to school and we'd talk about a lot of things. We both had some serious stuff happening at home and back then, you didn't talk about your problems to everybody. Kim, unfortunately, passed away some years ago after suffering the impacts of a serious eating disorder that began in high school. I wish I would have known more about what was going on.
Later that night would be dinner with my friends from high school, one who was in concert choir with me, and one who did a cable access show with me called “SHS this week”. Believe it or not, it was crazy popular. Peggy Rassieur and Erika Schowalter. I hadn't seen either of them in probably 15 years. We all got together some years ago to catch up on stuff. It was awesome, but this time was different. A lot had changed and talking to them felt like we were in high school again. A lot of laughter. Both of these women are two of the most beautiful soul filled individuals I've ever met. The incident with the neighbor was on Facebook when it happened, and both Erika and Peggy asked me about it, and were so broken up about what took place. That felt - good - to know that they just wanted to make sure I knew they really cared and that they wanted to be part of the solution. We caught up on so much.
So then I made the choice to stop into my reunion. There were many faces that I hadn't seen in literally 35 years. To hear someone call my name, and come up to me and give me a hug was so amazing. They saw me:) I thought that I was seriously hidden in this little bubble in high school. Some portions of it were very painful. But they saw me. And they were so welcoming and caring. One person asked me about the video on Facebook and how I've been since it happened. He was so loving and caring. Another friend, someone who was just the best in high school, just hugged and hugged and hugged me. Some folks I just wanted to hug forever. I really did. That felt good. I stayed for a short time, took the attached photo and then went back to my sister’s.
The following day would be my niece's book signing. What an amazing experience. I am so proud of my niece, Sydney Carlson, a beautiful soul who just lit up the room with her knowledge and understanding and love. I was also really proud of my sister, Diedra, and her husband Joel for the beautiful family they raised. I got to know my niece Noa on this trip more than I ever have. Seeing Samuel, my nephew, was amazing. Almost all of Sydney's books were sold. A discussion about race was had and it was eye opening and such a safe space for having the talk. Lots of listening. Lots of just good stuff going on.
When I left, I was really sad. I was so happy to be with my sister and her husband and their beautiful kids. It just felt good. You know what I mean? It just felt really good.

My last stop would be the space where George Floyd was murdered. It was 8 minutes away from where the book signing was and I felt that it was important that I gave that space some time in my heart for reflection and remembrance. Being there is completely different than watching it on television. I was overcome with emotion, so much so that I couldn't cry. I just kept looking in the area where that poor man lost his life. There were many people there from all over the country. The city has allowed this space to be sacred ground where we remember what happened and not turn a blind eye to the tragedy.
It was a long drive back home, and there was again a lot of reflection about many things. As I mentioned, a lot has happened this year that has not been pleasant. This trip really made me think about all of it in a way that didn't make everything so tragic. It made it pivotal and important to my growth. Moments where I stood up when others told me not to. Moments where I could have been combative and chose not to be, moments where fear could overtake my ability to think clearly. I knew that I had grown. I knew that I was this person that deserved better than what I allowed for so long. And if this trip wasn't enough proof of this...
When I left Minnesota, my husband called me and told me about some storms that were in the area and to be careful as I entered Milwaukee. I got a little nervous when I saw the dark clouds ahead but was careful.

Behind me was glaring sun, and the rain wasn't too bad. Just a few sprinkles. But then all of a sudden, I looked to my right and the most beautiful, full end to end rainbow was so clear. I wanted to stop my car and take a photo, but I didn't. I just kept my phone on the holder and snapped what I saw from my windshield. It was so symbolic. The storms were really bad - but look at this ROYGBIV in my face. I'd take a rain storm anytime, if this is what I could see after. It almost made it seem as if the rain never happened at all.
I got home, parked my car in the garage and was greeted at the door by my beloved beagle, Jerge, and my wonderful husband, Mark. As I fell asleep, I just said "I'm blessed. I'm truly blessed." I didn't say "despite this or that..." because this or that was pivotal to obtaining the mindfulness I have now, and the understanding that the rainbow I saw was extraordinary because of its ability to divert my brain from "why me?" to "yes...PLEASE pick me!" No matter what....
35 years. And guess what? I am still learning……..
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