This blog doesn't require any special photos or sayings. It doesn't require some profound mind-blowing message that will make people say "Wow, NOW I see the light."
It's just an honest message about truth. About love.
About me.
I figured something out about myself that I didn't know until I got COVID. I was terrified of getting it because of my type 1 diabetes. Well, my fear of the severity was realized. I am recovering, but it has been a long, long road.
When I had a horrible fever late one night, I was literally hearing and seeing things. A lot of those things scared me. It was as if the last 53 years of my life were being told to me in a short story. It was all in front of me, the good the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. I would wake up and could not connect to a space of coping. So I felt trapped in my thoughts. It was terrifying.
I got up and went to another room in the house and sat down, kind of in a ball, and put my head down on my knees with my eyes closed and immediately, the thought of my son on a ride at Six Flags came to mind. It was amazing. I remember that ride because it was the first time he had ever ridden an amusement park ride and the look of joy on his face was amazing. In all the turmoil I felt in my head, my son's smile on that ride blew those old leaves in the wind.
But there was something I realized that I never knew before...about me. I wasn't on the ride. I was watching as a spectator. The joy I felt watching him smile...I couldn't compare it to any other type of joy. And, it wasn't because I was on the ride. It was because I was watching him on the ride. My joy came from his happiness.
I am most happy when I give the chance for someone to do something that has the potential to make them happy, and it overwhelms me when they allow themselves the opportunity to be happy.
I find amazing peace when I know others are happy. I care. I really, really care. OH...and I love my son.
The knowledge of this opened my eyes to understanding that no matter what my past; no matter what's happened; no matter what decisions I had to make, or ones I SHOULD have made; no matter what...my intentions are to see that smile.
The difference between now and then is that I know where my control lies. My son wanted happiness, so he happily took the opportunity. When people don't want happiness, your open door seems like a trap to them. That's when you gotta leave the door open, but let it go and walk away.
That's all I wanted to write. I'm still recovering. Not just from COVID. And that means there is hope.
There is always hope.
Thanks, Keaton:)
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