
I had a plant a long time ago that no matter how much I watered it, it would not grow. The leaves were brown, stuff was breaking off. It is no secret that I have always been horrible with plants. I have no green thumb. That still applies today, but at that time, it was just me taking care of plants and I really wanted to find out why this plant was not growing even though I was watering it.
I did some research and figured out it needed to be fed. It needed light at certain times. I also needed to get rid of the dead leaves in order to make room for healthy green leaves to grow. Most importantly, I needed to be consistent about what I did, making sure that I stayed on course to save this plant. I told my husband this morning that I tend to over analyze everything. My interpretation at the time I was taking care of this plant was on the outside of the plant and how unhealthy it was. In my opinion, it was a clear reflection of the lack of care for the inside of the plant. In addition, when plants are really healthy, especially when there are many of them, they provide such a benefit to everyone. They provide oxygen. They regulate the water cycle. Many positives that they provide.
The reality is that sometimes plants look okay, but they’re still suffering on the inside when they go unmanaged.
In a world that is connected to surface thinking, that truly is the life cycle of humans. We are taught at a very early age to just “act the part” or “fake it til you make it.” We are taught to act is if everything is okay, and eventually, it just will be. We walk into rooms where we feel so unsafe and uncomfortable. If anything is said in disdain, if anyone looks toward you in an obvious sign that you are disliked, if people run from you when you seek acceptance, you act the part and stay as long as you can to show that you are willing to stick it out for others, even if it slowly decays your soul with self hatred and despair.
If in this situation you are like most people; you work, you have a family, you have children, you have people who care for you, you’re in an intimate relationship…because of your inability to improve your self confidence, everything on the outside of you suffers. All your relationships begin to fail. Sometimes, you drink or take other substances to cover up the pain and the racing thoughts of how horrible your self view is. If anyone insults you and/or speaks with contempt about you, you laugh it off on the outside, but on the inside it is creeping in every corner of your soul almost to a point of believing that being less than is truly who you are.
This is what happens to a plant when you don’t nurture it from the inside out.
The same thing happens to a human, and it happened to me.
About a year ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is defined as a mental health condition that is caused by an extremely stressful or terrifying event - either being part of it or witnessing it. A person with PTSD has four main types of difficulties: Re-living the traumatic event through unwanted and recurring memories, flashbacks or vivid nightmares. There may be intense emotional or physical reactions when reminded of the event(s) (I call these triggers) including sweating, heart palpitations, anxiety or panic (www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au). The event(s) can be one time or repeated.
Most people would find this diagnosis as really scary and hard to accept. It is scary, but for me, it was a relief to find this out. Now I knew where the water wasn’t getting to, to help me grow. Now I knew what nutrients I needed to help me dig deep and find the areas that needed tending to.
Why I’m triggered when there is a lot of alcohol in the room…
Why I’m triggered when someone tries to hug me who I don’t know…
Why I’m triggered when I see kids suffering who others don’t see…
Why I’m triggered when I hear anyone who needs to have a voice who feels they’re not heard…
Why I’m triggered when any type of inappropriate language or behavior happens in front of kids…
Why I’m triggered when people have private conversations and believe it’s always about me…
Why I’m triggered when people are backhandedly mean…
Why I’m triggered when my feelings tell me something is wrong and I try to ignore it…
What I am finding is that nothing on the outside can truly function in a way that is healthy and safe if a person is not doing all the work on the inside. NOTHING in this world gets fixed on the surface. You can patch it up and make it look good, but if you do not deal with the WHY behind what is underneath the patch, you are never healing. You’re just hiding. And as far as the dead leaves…cut them off. It doesn’t mean that the leaves never existed, or that you have to forget (sometimes, that is just not possible). It does mean when you cut those leaves off, you are leaving room for new growth. You can tend to the dead leaves in another space and THAT is okay too.
…And that is what this post is about. Digging deep inside myself is THE hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. There is a lot of sludge that I didn’t create, but a lot that I did create that can’t be blamed on past experiences if I continue to repeat them. The best self advocacy is to know thyself, before you do any of the work. You can’t truly fix anything you don’t even understand.
As this year draws to a close, a lot has happened that has been truly painful. And for the first time, I don’t feel the need to even say what it is that has been painful in an attempt to justify why I feel the way I do. I know why I feel this way.
But I am happy that I’ve gotten the help I need to see things clearly from a set of eyes that have been window washed from the inside out. I’m starting to truly know who I am. And while I do have some regrets; while I have a lot of work to do; While I am not done growing and learning and I’m not done even apologizing, I am learning who I am and I’m grateful for that. There is a lot that comes with me. But I’m not depending on anyone else to accept all of that anymore.
I am finally learning to love myself from the inside out, not just for myself. But so everything around me can heal and grow if it needs to. It is the most unselfish thing a person can do.
Today is Christmas. I had a wonderful Christmas Eve. I miss so many people right now, and I’ve had a few tears because of it. I love my husband and am so thankful for how much he and I have grown together and for his never ending support of this journey we both are on. I am going to visit my mom today, and it’s going to be hard, but I’m grateful that I can visit her. My sister is gone, and that sucks a lot. I’m praying for so many folks who are suffering, especially those who are trying to make ends meet and those who’ve lost loved ones needlessly to violence. I have moments of being totally content, and other moments of really struggling. I have some moments of being around too many people, and then other moments of loneliness.
And all of that is not a sign of someone who is damaged. It is called being human. And I’m so thankful that I’ve learned how to allow myself the opportunity to exist as is. In this, at the end of every day I ask myself these questions:
1) What positive thing did you say about yourself today?
2) What positive thing did you say about someone else today?
3) What did you do to make the world a better place?
4) Did you give yourself time to be silent and mindful?
5) Did you say “I love you” to yourself?
6) Did you say “I love you” to someone else?
Our jobs, our work, what we do professionally is secondary to all of this. It is a conduit to better living not just for ourselves, but for everyone else.
May all your days be filled with self reflection, care, love, acceptance, safety and growth. Take care of your inside. If you are the ONLY one who truly knows what is going on in there, it’s better than no one knowing. People selfishly broke some of what was so precious to you when you had no control over stopping them. The difference in having the control now is if we let people in who have only the intentions of breaking who we are, they are not the ones breaking us. We are.
Stop that:)
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