For years, I had no idea where my behavior came from. I didn't know why I drank so much. I had no idea why I was so angry. I had no idea why the comfort from dysfunctional people who took pleasure in my demise gave me more solace than those who wanted so desperately to be supportive and caring.
When I first began in-depth counseling in 2008, I spent the first 2 hours of my initial session crying, sobbing, and blaming everyone else for what happened to me. As I continued, I began to go into my adult life, and talk about things that happened at my own hands, and how everyone else in those situations were to blame.
There was a pivotal life changing experience in my adult life in June of 2007 that brought me to this counseling in 2008. It would be a moment that would define so much. I remember while being immersed in this craziness, I acted on the outside like I was so in control. I acted as if I could conquer the world.
When I was alone, however, I was extremely depressed and at times, terribly suicidal, at one point, having tried to accomplish this. I was hurting a lot of people, ultimately, internally hurting myself. I would begin down a path that I never thought I would be in. I would begin to do things that I told others and myself I would never do. I broke promises and thought of no one but myself and it would begin a course that would either send me down a road of complete destruction and annihilation, or enlighten me to a new path of self-awareness and understanding.
Prior to this session, I was sitting in my bedroom, curled up in a ball and feeling like a child. I was looking for someone to save me from this terrible vortex of pain that sat in my body. I admitted myself into a hospital. Because I was suicidal.
My first night there, I just cried. It was quiet, and I was totally alone. I could not use my phone, or make phone calls until I began the process of healing with a one-on-one counselor. I had been in this situation before, but this time it was different. This time, I knew that if I hadn't committed to the process of healing, I would be done. I quit drinking and smoking in 2004, however, that wasn't a cure. I was just ridding myself of symptoms, but I hadn't given any thought to what caused the symptoms.
The following day would bring a group session of therapy where I felt so broken inside. We had to talk out loud about what brought us to therapy, and sit through listening to an expert who explained the science behind what was happening to us. After the first hour, I was totally taken aback by the information. It was like I was in class - not counseling - and I loved it, because I could see in my brain the dots that were beginning to connect. I began to put focus into becoming well, and trying to understand what brought me here.
Then came what I mentioned earlier - the counseling session where I sobbed and blamed everyone. This counselor listened to me - for what seemed like forever - talk about how everybody just ruined everything for me and never gave me a chance. After crying for what seemed like an eternity, this counselor picked up a tissue box and threw it at me, full force. I sat there in silence, and held onto this box and thought "okay, he must be giving me some tissues to wipe my tears with." So that's what I did, and continued to hold onto the box. I began to complain again, and sob and cry. He grabbed the box from me again, and threw it at me. Now, I was pissed.
I asked him "What the hell are you doing?"
He answered "People throw things at you Rhonda...your abuse, what they think of you, who they believe you to be, your faults, your craziness and your anger...and all you do is hold onto it and own it, like you're doing with that tissue box that doesn't belong to you. You make it yours and it's not yours. You need to learn and understand WHEN something someone throws at you, does not belong to you- that you make the choice to KEEP it - is not the fault of the person throwing it at you. It's all on you Rhonda. You have got to start understanding what is yours, what is not yours and who you are. You need to give back to people the things they give you that are not yours."
I was silent for a good part of this revelation, but for the first tine I began to understand that I had to start establishing a relationship with myself. Just like what happens when you establish relationships with people outside yourself, I had to get to know me in order for my relationship to be functional. I had to understand who I really am, defend myself when someone goes against that truth, and hold myself accountable when what someone else points out that about me that may be negative. I had to begin to be okay with the things I had done, and start understanding the whys behind those choices, and make changes so that my actions matched the truth behind who I truly am.
I began to understand that my anger was centered around being extremely hurt and sad and that anger was the easiest and most safe way for me to deal with that sadness. I realized that I spent a lot of time trying to convince the wrong people of who I really am, rather than allowing myself to be loved, supported and accepted by those who I already had in my life. I realized that I could be honest about my mistakes with myself and with people who I knew and would meet the first time, and that their reaction would tell me who is in my corner. I realized that nothing would ever prevent me from presenting a truth, even if the truth hurt - and that if someone ever presented a truth to me, I would be receptive to hearing it and working on it, if it needed to be worked on. I realized that knowing myself took away the fight to try and convince anyone else of who I am-including that need to try and convince myself.
The realities of what I experienced in my adult life as it pertained to abuse is that the adult choices I made were mine. They were choices that I had the ability to control, unlike what happened to me as a kid. While those choices may be related to what happened years ago, I had to understand that in order to change the behavior, I had to hold myself accountable. No one else. Just me...and then continue to move forward. I could be angry with others and their behavior; I could still be sad; however, I had to make the choice to do what I needed to do with the information and truth I had. If I continued to be intertwined in the dysfunction of others, knowing what they represent and how they've treated me, that's not their fault. Knowing myself opened my eyes to that reality.
If you truly know yourself - and accept all that comes with you - if you truly love who you are - and all that comes with you - you are giving yourself the opportunity and vulnerability to BE loved the way that you deserve to be loved. If you recognize what love feels like from YOU, you are able to easily identify it from others, and clearly see when it isn't love. When everything comes back to who you truly are and what you represent, there is no fight you can't win, no battle that can't be victorious and no situation that can't be easily understood.
Socrates once said "To know thyself is the beginning of all wisdom." To know your strengths and challenges is what opens the door to all understanding. Don't try to be a master mathematician. Don't try to be the best baseball player in the world. Don't try to be the most amazing dancer or valedictorian of your class without knowing yourself fully. Those things alone may help you look spectacular to the outside world for a brief moment - that alone, however, will not accomplish the goal of being spectacular without being a baseball player, or without being the best dancer, or without being valedictorian. You're not always going to be the best everything. But you can always be your best self, as you are, every single day.
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