
It’s a pretty big picture but it’s a pretty big deal. The amazing woman sitting across from me is Nancy Roehr, once known as Nancy Meyer. She was known in 4th grade as “Frau Meyer” at the German Immersion school that I attended. She is my 4th grade teacher who I haven’t seen in 45 years.
When I first got in contact with Frau Meyer, who I still have to call that because I can’t call her anything else, I recalled to her a moment in time in my life that changed everything for me forever. You see, my childhood is full of a lot of sadness and trauma. Things I’ve talked about and some things I haven’t talked about. At the time that I was in 4th grade, it seems I was at a point where when things happened, I’d remember it, because I remember very little about things prior to 4th grade. I remembered the trauma I was going through at the time and all of the craziness that was happening at “home” that became normalized but was far from it.
I remember from a young age how much I enjoyed singing. Not because I necessarily wanted to be a star - but because of how it felt. I needed to hear and sing songs that meant something to me and brought me joy. I remember one time in that horrible home I was in, waking up in the morning and hearing “Sunshine” from John Denver on the radio. I just looked outside and cried, not out of sadness, but joy of the words he sang. “If I had a day that I could give you, I’d give to you a day just like a today; And if I had a song that I could sing for you; I’d sing a song to make you feel this way.” I just kept looking at the sun, and eventually just started singing along and crying at the same time, wondering when all of the stuff would end.
In 4th grade, we had show and tell every week. Students would bring in a variety of things to talk about, and I didn’t really feel like I had anything to bring. So I decided for one show and tell that I’d sing my favorite song at the time, “You Light Up My Life”. I was practicing all week and the closer it got to the day, the more nervous I became.
When I got to class, I told Frau Meyer that I wanted to sing for show and tell and she said “of course.” When the day arrived, I was terrified and I told my teacher I was. Now, she could have told me to sit down if I didn’t want to sing. She could have told me “maybe next week.” That’s not what she did. She was so patient and kind and told me to just take some deep breathes. I told her I didn’t want ot sing in front of class, and she said “I’ll tell you what, you can turn around and look at the blackboard and I’ll stand here so you can see me while you do it. Would that be okay?” I told her yes. She taped the class with a cassette tape (back in the day) and she told me test the sound which I did:) “TESTING ONE TWO THREE!”
I started singing and I was scared outta my mind. I was afraid of what my classmates would think. I was afraid of making a mistake. I was afraid of failing. But I kept going. And as I kept going, I became more confident. At a time when I felt worthless, that moment was so pivotal for me, not just with the singing, but the fact that she gave me the confidence to try singing. The way it felt to have approval…not just from my classmates, but from grownups, changed EVErYTHING. It lit a fire under me, that burned out for a while, but I relit it. I remember how I felt going home. It wasn’t anything that anyone in my house cared about. But it mattered to me a lot and changed me so much. Frau Mayer is the only teacher I remember clearly from my childhood because of that moment.
When I reached out to her about a year ago, she sent me a picture of the tape that she kept all of these years. She told me that my singing that day made an impact on her too and she told me she plays it a lot.
Tonight, I had dinner with Frau Meyer. I cried when I saw her. I told her about what I was going through at the time and what that moment meant to me. We shared what life has been like in the last 45 years and the changes we both have been through. We complimented each other and she told me about how much she thought of me over the years, hopping that I was okay.
And then, she gave me a USB drive that had me singing “You Light Up My LIfe” in 4th grade. We went to my car, I turned on my laptop and played it, having not heard it since the day I sang it. Hearing that little girl sing that song brought me such tremendous happiness. It validated a lot. I heard how scared she was beginning the song, and I just heard her tenacity and confidence grow with each note. Sometimes you don’t think that little person ever existed the way you remember her. Hearing me sing that song in 4th grade, the first time I ever sang in front of anyone else besides family, was HUGE.
Before we parted ways after dinner at Lake Park Bistro, after many tears and laughter, after talking about so much, we hugged and promised we would stay in touch.
I look at this little USB and feel like I got a piece of my heart back and I am forever grateful for that. I also feel like I didn’t spend enough time telling her what she did for me that day, or maybe I just feel I’ll never be able to say it the way it deserves to be presented.
What I do know is the light she brought to my life. And I am so eternally grateful for tonight because THIS moment will also change all of my future moments.
I have purposely stayed away from social media and will continue do so after writing this. But I want anyone out there who is struggling to find themselves to know that it will be okay. You are worth YOUR time. Your best friend is looking at you in the mirror.
And if you’re waiting to find out if you are valuable or not, reach deep inside of yourself and find that child and tell her she/he is. And live like she/he is. Love like she/he does. And after awhile, you won’t wonder anymore and you won’t wait for it from anyone else.
For all of the teachers out there, you make a difference in the lives of the kids you teach. Don’t ever, ever forget that.
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