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New Person, Old Place - Madi Diaz

Writer's picture: Rhonda RonsmanRhonda Ronsman

It has been a serious minute in the life of Rhonda. For those of you who are closest to me, you know what I'm talking about. If I were to try and narrow it down in a way that would be more understood, remember when you were a kid and you had a glass of chocolate milk that tasted so wonderful that you wanted that drink to last forever? It seemed the more you drank, and the lower the fluid in the glass, the more depressed you became because you knew there was more chocolate milk in the fridge, but you also knew you were not going to get another glass. As a kid that loss seemed monumental. As an adult, that is how I feel, except it's not chocolate milk. It's....well, it's not chocolate milk. 


I knew the closer that 2022 came to a close that 2023 was going to be different. I felt as if I was fighting the skin that I was coming out of, and I'm not sure why. Perhaps fear? What I know though is an old me was ready to go. 


I will never forget the day that I was driving away from a place that I loved. I made a decision to part ways from an experience where I learned so much, not just about the job, but about people; about lives; about experience; about doing the right things even when the right things mean that loss will happen. I was so devastated and hurt, and sad, and lost. 


And then, I played a song by Madi Diaz that I hadn't heard in a long time called "New Person, Old Place". Now, I could write the lyrics to the entire song in this blog and it would blow your mind. But I don't even think that is necessary, because the tagline is enough...


"Can't Be a New Person, In an Old Place"


I was still living in some very old places. I was trapped in rooms of doubt. I was eating meals at tables where self esteem was compromised. I was sleeping in rooms of self created dismay - meaning, turning happy situations into situations that were not happy to fit an agenda. I was learning, and I was moving forward, but I was afraid to leave this old place that I had become so accustomed to, even though I had those people who would just look at me when I would say something that made no sense about what direction I wanted to take. I remember when I was speaking with my counselor about a confusing situation I was in - or at least I called it confusing - and I must have cried and talked for almost 40 minutes - she finally responded to me: "You are not confused at all. You just want me to give you an avenue to do the wrong thing. You need to wake up girl. You know what to do". 


So - with all of the loss that I have experienced, with all of the shame that I couldn't break away from, with all of the blame that I put on myself for things I never did, with all of the tears shed, sleepless nights experienced, tough discussions had, honest feelings revealed, YESTERDAY, my 53 year old self spoke back at me and said "I am better than what I've allowed myself to believe. My mistakes make me human and not anything more or less than that. I love a lot and under no circumstance will I ever remain silent in the face of wrongdoings. I only become that version of a person that some people want me to be, if I allow myself to believe that this is who I am. I am better than that. I was MEANT to be better than that....


I am a new person, leaving an old place."


My reason for writing this at 5:56am on January 29, 2023 is to tell you that you are better than what you believe. This is coming from someone who had a 1.2 grade point average in high school, and is now graduating with a 4.0 average in college; someone who was caught in the wires of addiction and quit cold turkey on August 6, 2004 and never turned back; someone who had one destructive relationship after another when she thought that all she deserved was the worst that the world could offer, and now is married to the man of her dreams; someone who experienced a lifetime of trauma, but finally got the help she needed to hold herself accountable for what she was responsible for, and properly hold others accountable for what they were responsible for; someone who now stands up for others, when she felt at times no one stood up for her. Someone who has a 21 year old son who tells her he loves her each time they talk. 


You cannot be a new person, in an old place. It doesn't mean that you won't go back there sometimes, but you do not have to live there anymore.


This morning, that minute is over, and I want to personally thank every single person who helped me reached this moment. I did not do this on my own. Not only am I glad that you all kept pushing, but I am also glad and extremely proud of myself for allowing this to happen because I was strong enough to understand that I needed to let that good stuff in. I am in a place to now know how deserving I am of better.

 

Make it a wonderful Monday everyone!

 

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Wauwatosa, WI 53226

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