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Owning What is Yours, Giving Back What Isn’t

Writer's picture: Rhonda RonsmanRhonda Ronsman

I sat in a counseling session in 2008, crying my eyes out when I was in a middle of a mental crisis. I talked about all of the things I had been through, and how I just couldn't get over the things that happened to me and felt as if it would never end. The thing I focused on

the most is the bruising from the hands of others. I could not stop talking about it. Every time I brought up an incident, I cried more and could not stop.


At one point, the counselor looked at me, picked up a Kleenex box, and threw it at me.


I stopped crying and held on to the box, and kept crying, as I tried desperately to wipe my tears.


I started talking more and went back into the rabbit hole of despair.


Again, the counselor grabbed the Kleenex box from my hands and threw it at me.


This time, I was silent, and a little scared to ask this man what he was doing. I stayed silent until he did it again. Then I finally asked, "Why do you keep doing that?"


He said to me "Rhonda, your issue is not other people and the pain you endure. It's a pain you accept from others. I threw that Kleenex box at you and you never let go of it, even though it didn't belong to you. You grasped it, and would not let go. These things that others throw at you don't belong to you, but you keep owning it like it's yours.


Give it back. If it is yours, if you have to hold yourself accountable for something, then do that. But if it's not yours, you have to learn how to give it back to who it belongs to. It takes at most, about 15 seconds to figure out if something is yours or not, But most of the time, you know right away. Stop owning things that are not yours to own."


This life lesson has stayed with me until this day.


This morning, what I'm realizing is how valuable this has been in my life. What I've realized is you cannot achieve an understanding of what is yours without being connected to truth. THAT is the real challenge....


...because sometimes, our minds have trouble deciphering the truth, when we don't want to face true things. If I am accountable, then I need to act. If it's not mine, then I need to act. Both require work and both require truth. So today....


I own that I can be a little overly emotional at times.

I own that I need about 10 minutes to gather my thoughts before responding to the discourse

I own that when I love, and say that I love, it is real.

I own that I am passionate about wanting the underdog to succeed

I own that social justice is extremely important to me

I own that I am black, through and through, in my culture, my upbringing, and my beliefs

I own that I do not see only the surface - I am very analytical and need to study the soil before I tell you why a flower looks the way it does

I own that when I know I've done something wrong, I will apologize - not to obtain forgiveness, but because I've done something wrong


I own my insecurities

I own my fears and anxieties

I own my honesty

I own my mistakes - every single one - and I am honest about them, even with those who were part of the mistakes I made


I own that I cannot stay silent in the face of wrongdoing

I own that self-reflection is essential to truly being able to see others for who they are


I own that I am worthy

I own that I deserve more than I have allowed in my life

I own that I am truly relevant to a good existence that is surrounded by support, happiness, friendship, and love

I own that now, when it's not right for me, I let it go


Now - there may be many people who do not agree with what I write. There may be people who have things they want to add to this, some things that may be pleasant, some things that are not. There may be some who want me to delete some descriptions.


I've learned that this is okay because other people's feelings are theirs to own. So naturally, they can have their thoughts, and I'll keep mine.


Today, I'm giving what is theirs back to them


. And I'm taking what is mine.


And I cannot tell you what a great feeling this is.


You deserve YOUR love and affection, more than anyone else in this world. When you genuinely know what it feels like when you own your acceptance, understanding, care, support, and validation, everyone around you benefits.


Own it, and give it back when it isn't yours. And go 'head and be what you be.


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©2019 by Rhonda Ronsman Speaks, LLC
1655 North Mayfair Road, #26263
Wauwatosa, WI 53226

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