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Recognizing the Outside by Understanding the Inside - Writing a Chapter of My Life

Writer's picture: Rhonda RonsmanRhonda Ronsman


The first time I met Raejean Kanter, I was working at Potawatomi Bingo Casino, back when it had that name in Milwaukee, WI. I was hired as the Assistant to the General Manager, and it would be the first time that I got a job assisting a high-level Executive. It was 2003. My son was just turning 2-years old, and I, at this point, had not yet reached my sobriety. I was trapped in a mindset of low self-esteem and complete unawareness of my surroundings. As much as I would like to say that I was blissfully unaware, that would be inaccurate. I was miserable. I knew that I was in a bad place. Looking back, I was intentionally in the company of people who I allowed to keep me trapped where I was.


At the time I first truly met Raejean, I was singing in a band in Milwaukee that was working a lot. All my weekends during the summer were taken, and I felt like I had no time for anything...including shopping for outfits to sing in, or work in. I quit drinking shortly before a bunch of shows I had coming up for the summer season. One afternoon, I visited Raejean in her office and told her about my need to get better outfits to sing in. She told me "Yes, you do." I was a little taken aback by her honesty, but then she said "I'm not saying it because you don't look good in them; I'm saying it because when you wear them, I can tell you don't want to - that you're looking for something else, another person to be on that stage. I can help you do that." Raejean scheduled time the following week to go shopping with me at a local mall. There, she would insist on purchasing two outfits for gigs, both of which I still have. I cannot fit them anymore (lol), but they are a reminder of what she told me. I was not necessarily looking for a different outfit; I was looking for a different infit. Raejean, however, would work on Rhonda from the inside out. It was not just buying the outfit; it was the talking. It was the guidance. It was the advice. It was the care she showed. It was the fact that she wanted me to know that somebody was doing something to help me be the person I wanted to be, not the person they wanted me to be. That would be the beginning of a 20-year friendship that would see many positive changes, many of those changes being a result of Reajean's mentoring.


"Who Held the Door Open" is a book about how Raejean's mentoring allowed four authors to find a better way to live and take their lessons and teach others about living. I know that it was no accident that I began writing my chapter during the pandemic. It is also no accident that things for me were changing when the pandemic happened. I was establishing a much more authentic and better relationship with myself.


Writing about my life experience helped me to see so many positives during things that were not positive, including the people in my life who helped me move in a forward direction, even when I had so much that held on to my arms to pull me backward. In hindsight, I realize that there were things I could not see clearly outside of me, because there were things, I was either ignoring or could not see inside of myself. The internal fight we have with honesty is a real one. We know when something is not right. We know when things must change. We know when someone in our midst has a secret that you cannot just put your finger on. But the reality is, you will never know if it is true, or even remain receptive to seeing and hearing the truth, if you do not establish that relationship of honesty and integrity with yourself. You can still be a child at heart, and you can still have fun, you can still be silly, and make crazy jokes with your closest friends. But things DO have to change if you want to continue to grow. Plants do not become the beautiful creations they are if the weather stays one temperature all year round.


That is what writing the chapter of this book helped me realize. I could not see anything clearly on the outside, because I was not seeing things clearly on the inside. Truth is not always pleasant, but you cannot deal with remedying or acting on truth if you do not acknowledge it. It will always sit there like a weight in your life's backpack that you cannot get rid of, no matter how much you try to empty out the contents. When I truly saw everything...EVERYTHING...that was inside, I was much more able to recognize things on the outside. With every experience I wrote about, I was able to hold on to the truth of what belonged and hold on to the truth of what did not.


Last, holding on and letting go are both the result of love. Writing the letter to myself was something I had been meaning to do for an exceptionally long time. I wanted to tell that little girl how proud I am of her. I wanted her to know that her choice to not give up is why we are here today. I had to painfully let go of a lot, but let me tell you...


Seeing things clearly on the outside because of what I discovered on the inside allowed me to embrace love from some amazing folks. What I took in and left room for was worth letting go of what did not belong.


This book helped me see these things, and I hope that you see it too. I hope that everyone who reads it knows that you are worth the work to see the total truth behind that heart. Mentoring helps us get there. As much as I appreciate Raejean for that beginning of seeing that I wanted a different outfit, I now can see when someone else is looking for the same. I take the time now to do exactly what Raejean did...know myself well enough to understand that when someone is talking to me about wanting a new outfit, they really want something else. My time...my commitment...and my mentoring.


I want to give a special thanks to the other amazing women who told their stories in this book - Stacey Kent, Van Thanh Nguyen, and Theresa Nemetz. It is hard getting your stuff out! But boy, you feel so much lighter when you do. It has been a journey for all of us and I so appreciate the time that you all took to do it.


Just remember. You can see clearly on the outside, what you acknowledge on the inside. Truth must be accepted and then acted upon. Be strong enough to be the outsider if you must be, so that truth prevails, even when it is not pretty. That lesson is the biggest gift I have received from every mentor I have had.

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©2019 by Rhonda Ronsman Speaks, LLC
1655 North Mayfair Road, #26263
Wauwatosa, WI 53226

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