
I was ordering food 2 days ago from a store where I have food delivered for my mom. When you order, they assign a shopper who sends a text to you when they are about to shop for your items. "This is Darrin and I'll be your shopper for tonight!" I didn't cry, amazingly because for those who know me, I cry at everything.
I smiled. And as he began to text me when items weren't available, I just imagined if it was really my brother on the other end sending me messages. And maybe it was him.
April is a tough month. And today, April 7, is my brother Darrin's birthday. He passed away from Colon Cancer at the age of 45 in 2010. Man it feels like yesterday, but it seems so far away at the same time.
My brother was an amazing human being. He was short in stature, and he used to be made fun of because of it, but make no mistake about it, my brother was a very tall man who no one messed with. He made clear that he was in control. He fought through many obstacles to be well respected among his peers and within his tight circle of friends. That laugh...man that laugh! It was so loud. You know those laughs where you're like "Yep, that's so and so....." that was my brother. He had a smile so bright, you'd desperately try to stop you cheeks from forming one, and your body's automatic reaction was to smile back.
I remember one poignant moment when I was very sick with the measles and my brother tried to cheer me up. We played cards a lot and talked so much. We also played music like crazy. He kept my spirits up and made sure I was doing okay, even though I felt like I was dying.
I remember a very poignant moment, and for some reason age always seems to escape me when I remember my childhood. It's like between the ages of 9 and 13, I can't remember much. I remember places but not my age. I went to my brother to talk about how sad I felt and how down I felt. I told him I didn't think that I would ever really amount to anything and how afraid I was that I was going to die. When I think about this now, I realize that this was a fear of how I was feeling inside. Just empty and without value.
He said to me that it was important that I just continue to move. He told me to learn as much as I can, don't limit myself to one thing, I'm smarter than I believe, don't listen to naysayers..,I mean everything I needed to hear at that moment, he said it. And I just remember listening and looking up to him like "this is so cool that he cares so much about me to tell me this stuff." He reserved those conversations for people who he deemed valuable enough to hear it. So I knew that when he was saying it, he was telling me the truth.
Now, all is not lost in this. I talk to my brother all of the time. He's with other people who've passed, and he's smiling. Sometimes, it feels like a struggle to hear him, but it usually works best in dreams when I see him. I see messages. I see signs. And I listen.
The day my brother passed, there were two deer in his backyard. I don't know what I felt at that moment seeing those deer, but every time I see one now, I feel like he's just taking a moment to tell me he's okay, and I will be too, and that this is just life. We have our moments of triumph, sadness, grief, celebration, hope, and internal prosperity if we allow it to be so.
I just really miss my brother Darrin. And yes, sometimes it does snow in April. But the reality is that anytime you see the world doing what it does, flowers dying and blooming, leaves falling and growing, sunshine spraying rays of light into your life, and rain and rainbows and clouds covering it up - and yes, sometimes even snowing - it's a sign that life continues. Given the chance, my brother would splash in the rain, and throw as many snowballs as he could. He wouldn't complain about how much there is to shovel, or say that rain ruins days. He would cherish it.
It's taken me a long time Darrin, but I'm with you on that one. This has been a year of learning so much not just about me, but about life. My brother has been there with me, helping me write, helping me gain my confidence back, helping me to become a better me, so that I can help others become a better "them".
Happy Birthday Darrin:) I miss you so much and love you with my whole heart. And I will continue to honor you by becoming better every single day. Thank you for helping me along the way. I look forward to hearing the Shipt Shopper Say "This is Darrin, and I'll be your shopper for tonight" again:) Just to let you know, you forgot the Peppermint Patties yesterday.
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