
TRIGGERS. It seems like everyone is talking about this now. If not associated with gun violence in our country, it usually has to do with people who describe being in a situation where something ignites a brain reaction that sometimes turns into a physical or audible reaction. It can be a song, a smell, a phrase, an action, something someone says, how someone is treated, if someone is judged, or treated with actions that the person perceives as unfair.
It is essential to write that the person on the delivering end of a trigger may have no ill intentions. They may be having a conversation with someone behind closed doors that has nothing to do with the person receiving the trigger, but the person who is triggered may believe that the conversation is about them and that the conversation is a negative one. Understanding Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has taught me to dissect many of these thoughts in a way that makes it easier to comprehend for those who do not understand triggers or have not yet worked on their own.
First, it is important to understand the mechanics behind a real trigger in a firearm. A trigger on a gun is activated by physically squeezing or pulling the trigger blade with your finger, which then releases a mechanism inside the gun that allows the hammer or striker to strike the firing pin, igniting the ammunition and firing the shot; essentially, the trigger acts as a lever that initiates the firing sequence when pressed.Â
HOW I MANAGE MY BIGGEST TRIGGER: I hate being in environments where there is a lot of drinking. As a child, I was inundated with events where drinking was involved and nothing good ever came out of it. When I was sexually assaulted, my abuser was drunk. I can still smell the alcohol. I was assaulted many times from men who were drinking when I was a child. That is what I KNOW.
Before I go to an event where I know there will be drinking, here is my checklist:
Do I have a way to leave if I start to feel unsafe and unhealthy?
Do I have advocates at the party?
If no, is there someone I can call if I need to?
Do I have the control to say "I've had enough" to myself and "I need to leave"?
Do I need to worry about how my self-advocacy impacts others? That answer should always be "no".
What tools can I use when a trigger happens that I can manage if I choose to stay?
Will yelling and screaming help you or others?
Is anyone in the room responsible for your past trauma?
Are you cared for and loved by you and those you choose to be around?
This checklist allows me to be ready to make decisions for my best interest, and for the best interest of others. It gives me the wherewithal to understand how much control I actually have, whereas my traumatic events provided situations where I had no control.
When a person who has experienced a traumatic event(s) is "pressed" with a smell, place, name, look, conversation, word, touch, experience, color, weather...ANYTHING that is associated with the traumatic event(s), that pressing initiates the firing sequence that sometimes may turn into a physical, internal, or external explosion, the same as with a firearm. It can be one of these reactions or all three. An example would be someone who was raped may jump when someone unexpectedly hugs them or surprises them with their presence by tapping on the shoulder or saying something behind them. A person who experienced that trauma may jump and scream "DO NOT DO THAT" and may have to take a moment to calm down before regulating.
The person who startled the trauma survivor probably had no idea that this would happen, and bears no responsibility for understanding it; however, knowing that this exists is important so that we understand our role in respecting boundaries and being cognizant of the MAJORITY of people who experience triggers daily in our world.
According to the National Council for Mental Wellbeing, 70% of adults in the U.S. have experienced some type of traumatic event at least once in their lives. In 2022, this equaled about 223.4 million people. I should add that this statistic is relevant to those who have reported the traumatic event(s). Some are not aware that what happened to them is in fact trauma, and some are so overdone by repeated trauma, that they refuse to acknowledge how it negatively impacted their lives.
The graphic above is associated with a website called Upworthy with an excellent article titled "Graphic helps identify what triggers you emotionally in relationships". Every single event from 1-23, I felt as a child. Thus, for an extended period in my adult life:
If someone left me out of a group, I felt excluded
If I could not control my emotions, I felt powerless (resulting in an eating disorder)
If someone did not listen to my concerns, I felt unheard
If someone screamed at me for ANYTHING, I felt scolded
If someone made a disparaging comment about me, I felt judged
If someone was hurt and I was in the mix, I felt blamed
If someone did not respect my boundaries, I felt disrespected
If someone did not want to spend time with me, especially intimate partners, I felt a lack of affection
If I decided to tolerate unruly behavior because you "fake it til you make it", I felt I could not speak up
If I had repeated incidents of someone not wanting to spend time with me, I felt lonely
If I tried to explain my situation to someone and no one listened, I felt ignored
If something went wrong with anyone else, I felt like the bad guy (It is important to explain that sexual abuse/assault survivors are often made to feel responsible for their abuse and/or assault, made to feel that what we were wearing, how we were acting, or the mere act of telling is what caused the problem; not the perpetrator)
If someone chose to spend more time elsewhere, I felt forgotten
If I am in an environment with a lot of alcohol, and yelling and screaming, I feel unsafe
If people who profess to love never reach out to me or exclude me, I feel unloved
If I am blamed for something that someone else who did the same thing is not blamed for, I feel like I was treated unfair
If I kept trying to fix things that kept creating barriers, I felt frustrated
If I cannot figure out why I feel the way I do sometimes, I feel disconnected
When I am around a lot of drinking, and I do not have a safe way to leave or a place to go, I feel trapped
When I ask myself "Why am I here?" after repeated trauma, I feel a lack of passion
When I feel like I am there for others in their times of trouble, but it is hard for me to garner support when I am suffering, I feel uncared for
When people flip and become kind after a conversation, and then tell me that I am horrible again, I feel manipulated
I have done extensive work on myself over the last 3 years, but mainly, in the last year to understand what my trauma has done to me. ALL OF IT... every single trigger...is founded in my childhood. If you decide to take the difficult route of discovering where your triggers come from, you most likely will find the same thing.
There is hope - but the hope is found in places that you may not realize.
Yourself.
We, as humans, have learned that it is essential to have people confirm and acknowledge our relevance and existence in the world. The reality is that EVERYTHING comes down to us, and our choices.
We choose to have people in our lives who will either support and uplift us or confirm all the negative things we feel about ourselves.
We choose to stay present in unhealthy and unsafe environments that sacrifice our desire to find solace in joy and peace.
We choose to ignore when we are uncomfortable to appease the very people or persons who contribute to that feeling.
We choose to blame others for how we feel, rather than taking control of understanding our triggers and knowing that we have choices within all these environments to advocate for ourselves.
Most importantly, we choose to put the responsibility on others to fulfill basic human needs that we have the ability, control, and responsibility to fulfill ourselves.
IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED:
Understand that it is YOUR responsibility to identify when and why you are triggered and to create a plan of action associated with what you will do when you are triggered that will create a happy and healthy outcome for you and the people you choose to be surrounded by.
Choose to be surrounded by supportive, caring, understanding, and honest people as you continue this journey. Having people who do not do the work for you but support your process is vitally important. Also, having people who are honest and hold you accountable is also important.
When you choose to go to an environment that most likely will be triggering, e.g., a bar, a family event, etc., have a plan of action if things get out of control. For example, if I have a work function where I know there will be a lot of drinking, I tell myself before going "Remember Rhonda, you can leave when you want, you can step out if you need to, and you can walk away if someone gets too close. You do not have to explain yourself." I also always make sure I have a safe out (my vehicle, an Uber, or a safe room or place within the environment) and someone I can call.
REMEMBER that the goal is not to DENY TRIGGERS, meaning, function as if they do not exist. The goal is to understand that they do exist, and that you have the power and control to respond healthily.
IF YOU SUSPECT THAT YOU ARE TRIGGERING SOMEONE:
Respect boundaries. For example, instead of just hugging someone out of nowhere, ask if it is okay to hug them.
Do not badger someone who makes the choice to leave an event early. They hold no obligation to make you feel better about their choices.
Do not judge post-event., e.g., "You've changed" or "You're such a party pooper".
This is a prime way to re-trigger a trauma survivor.
Choose to be supportive and ask questions if you suspect that someone is easily triggered like "I noticed that you seemed uncomfortable at the party last night. Do you care to share why?" or "When I suddenly hugged you, you seemed really distant. Is there a reason?" If the peson doesn't care to share, that is okay too. The reality is, you asking the questions provides a sense of care to the trauma survivor.
Do research on triggers and gain more understanding.
REMEMBER that triggering behavior is not the CAUSE of a trauma survivor's response. The trauma is! Give a survivor space to manage their triggers when they are in your environment.
We all can play a role in how these life-altering events shape each other’s lives. Knowledge is power and can provide us all with tools to help navigate unfamiliar territory. Remember always carry your BePAK:
Be Present
Be Aware
Be Kind
Happy New Year!
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